Many people express confusion concerning boundaries in relationships of all types, not just in marriage. Where are the lines and the limits? God’s word has much to say on this topic.

Past experience and upbringing can seriously skew our perceptions of right boundaries. We delineate two distinct types of boundaries. We also observe how the four treasured goals of life determine the kinds of boundary violations that are most likely to occur in any relationship. Lastly, we describe a path of recovery and maintenance of godly boundaries.

Find the PDF worksheet here: Boundaries in Relationships

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God is a God of Relationship

Relational love exists in the Trinity (Ephesians 3:14-15)
God made us for relationship with Him first, and with one another (1 John. 4:10-11)
Heaven will be a place of loving relationships forever (1 Thessalonians 4:17)

God is a God of Boundaries

God has personal boundaries. Although God is everywhere He is not everyone (Isaiah 45:22)
God has moral boundaries. He is omnipotent, but He will never do anything which is inconsistent with His moral character (1 Peter 1:16)

Two Kinds of Boundaries

A moral boundary is the line between right and wrong = fixed, unmovable.

A personal boundary is the line that marks out what is me, and what is mine to possess = strong, shaped, but pliable.

Boundary Formation

1. The ‘S’ Factor

The Bible states that the first cause of boundary violation is a defective nature (Psalm 51:5)
A child does not need to be taught to do wrong. A child must be taught to do right (Isaiah 53:6)

2. The Influence of Personality

Personality is the card you are dealt by the hand of God from the time of conception
Different personalities are liable to different boundary violations because they have different goals and mean of achieving those goals

The Sanguine

His treasure is pleasure
Likes to please himself and others
Finds it hard to say “no” because he wants to please
Is a risk taker, given to excess
Is capable of inebriating himself and others

Needs to learn respect and self control.

The Choleric

Is strongly task oriented
Capable of running over people
Tend to use intimidation when angry
Pride leads to say “yes” too often

Needs patience, gentleness and humility.

The Melancholic

Is sensitive and introspective
More ruled by fear and avoidance of conflict with others
Tends to use manipulation to control others (guilt trips)
Faults are usually sins of omission

Needs faith to come out of themselves.

The Phlegmatic

Is the peace lover
When faced with a conflict, seeks the quickest path to peace
Tempted to half heartedness as a means of self protection
Finds it difficult to commit to a decision

Needs courage and wholeheartedness.

3. The Influence of Parenting

The role of parents is:

to teach
to enforce
to model boundaries

The Three stages of personal development

A. Bonding

The experience of being one with another person. (mother) = It is boundary – less.
Without bonding, one develops walls not boundaries. “I am alone” = Mistrusts love.

B. Separateness

“ I am Me”
I learn to think, feel, and make decisions for myself.
I learn to accept personal responsibility.
I learn to govern my own body.

C. Integration

“I am me and you are you and we need to work together”.
I learn to respect and love others.
I practice balance in interaction with others.

4. The Influence of Abuse

Abuse is a severe boundary violation.
The severity is not the key factor in recovery but rather the comfort that comes after.
Without care, they are like children who have never bonded.

5. The Influence of Society

By the time of puberty, peer pressure is usually a greater factor than parental influence.
If a child has not internalized a strong sense of moral boundaries and good personal boundaries, he may fall prey to the moral relativism of the majority.

Boundary Reformation

God’s Ownership

God is the owner of everything, even our lives (Psalm 24:1)
We are the secondary owners (Job 1:21)
God has the right to define our boundaries

A Paradigm of Life

God’s life is expressed in three qualities:

Truth (1 John 1:5)
Justice (1 John 2:29)
Love (1 John 4:7-8)

Truth Clarifies Boundaries

If there is no objective truth, then we are cast upon a sea of relativity.

There are no ultimate standards for morality.

There are no universal principles by which we measure personal boundaries.

Whose guilt is it anyway?

No man can by any means redeem his brother or give to God a ransom for him.

For the redemption of his soul is costly (Psalm 49:7-8)

I feel like a child!

Buy the truth and do not sell it (Proverbs 23:23)

A relative standard

Judge with right judgment for peace (Zechariah 8:16)

Preferences become precepts

There is one judge and lawgiver (James 4:12)

Truth spoken in love is vital to the establishment and maintenance of boundaries (Ephesians 4:15)

The double standard

Take the log out of you own eye first (Matthew 7:5)

Who will carry what?

Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ…each man shall carry his own load (Galatians 6:2-5)

Grace Enables Us to Maintain Boundaries

Grace is the ability to move in a balanced, timely, and beautiful way
Grace allows us to balance love and justice
The grace of justice is forgiveness

Forgiveness is a legally binding transaction where I surrender the right to collect on a debt. Matt. 6:12

True reconciliation

Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another (Ephesians 4:32)

The Grace of Love

The goal of Christian living is not the maintenance of boundaries for the purpose of self protection, but rather the practice of love (1 Timothy 1:5; 1 Peter 1:22)
Love is a commitment to give a blessing. I Pet. 3:9